:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize