i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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