My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
