I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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