how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
