so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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