i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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