is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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