Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
