She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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