I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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