hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
