Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
