i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
