peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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