I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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