Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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