I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
