nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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