saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
