I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
