i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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