bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
