I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize