he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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