I'm jealous of your bromance
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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