I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
