What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
