Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
