No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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