Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
