Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Did you pee in the oven last night??
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
