If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
