I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
