I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
