How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
