they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
