I am in a vortex of obligation.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
