I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
