why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
