PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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