I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
