I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
