i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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