I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
love makes seman taste better
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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