dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
