bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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