I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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