He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
