You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
