My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
