So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
