My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
