I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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