Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
