I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
