For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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