that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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