how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
