I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
