I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
