I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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