Taylor Swift is so right about you.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
