I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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